Worst Job In The World
by atomic muffin
Summary: In an alternate universe where Naruto retires to devote himself to his true passion, ramen, someone else has to pick up the mantle. Or, eight children of the Leaf become Hokage in Naruto's place. Hokage!Rookies 9 AU, featuring their long-suffering assistants.


Worst Job In The World

 **Summary:** In an alternate universe where Naruto retires to devote himself to his true passion, ramen, someone else has to pick up the mantle. Or, eight children of the Leaf become Hokage in Naruto's place. Hokage!Rookies 9 AU, featuring their long-suffering assistants.)

 **Disclaimer** : Naruto isn't mine. This work is inspired among other things by 'Chouji's fancy hat' by greenkangaroo and 'Burden' by Hannahmayski on ao3

 **Rated** : T. Mention of suicidal thoughts. Sasuke has issues okay.

 **Notes** : English is not my first language and on top of that, I'm not used to write in present tense. HOWEVER this chapter has been betaed by the amazing Lindra. My baby is so pretty now, I don't even recognize them anymore XD

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I. Sakura (Ino)

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Sakura knows what it's like to have lives hanging between her hands.

After all, she has been a certified medic since her fourteenth birthday, and every medic has to learn how to function despite the fear of failure creeping on their limbs, to operate anywhere anyhow, to choose on the spot who might live and who must die. Sakura is a _very good_ medic, objectively speaking, the type who thrives under pressure, who never loses her composure even in the most catastrophic scenarios.

Yes indeed, Sakura is no stranger to harsh decisions, and she can sort of see why the Higher Up would think she would make a good Hokage, despite the fact she comes from a civilian background, because it worked so well with Tsunade-sama, didn't it? Just add the fact her two teachers were Hokage themselves, her friendly acquaintance with most clan heirs, her close relationship to _the_ Uzumaki Naruto, her exploits in the war and her experience at the hospital as head medic, and suddenly a civilian born kunoichi becomes decent Hokage material. Kakashi's unwelcome commentary of 'maa, of course Sakura-chan is extremely competent, I formed her myself you know?', an outrageous extrapolation of the truth, only served to inflame the barrel of powder and then kaboom, Sakura found herself Hokage.

Except Sakura is no Tsunade nor Kakashi, and a whole village is kind of _big_ for her usual range of responsibility. Which is why the newly appointed Hokage needs help, badly. At this point, she'll hire anyone. Anyone who isn't Yamanaka Ino, naturally, because she's desperate alright, but she still has _standards_.

"Ino-pig," Sakura growls when the blond marches into her office as if she owns the place, her default mode. "What are you doing?"

What Sakura really wants to ask is why none of her highly-selective guards haven't stopped one florist from invading the Hokage's office, but she knows the truth. Even the most hardened bastards of ANBU think twice before getting in Yamanaka Ino's way, and she can't blame them for their rightful fear. Sakura herself only dares to rain on Ino's self-thrown parade thanks to sheer stubbornness and her inability to overcome her twelve-years old self.

"Forehead," Ino scrunches her nose at the sight of her childhood friend in her Hokage regalia. "I told you before red is not your color, and guess what? I'm totally right."

The debate is almost as old as their complicated friendship. Ino argues red and rose are not meant to be together and _sure it's sad, but there's plenty of fish in the sea, Sakura_. Sakura retaliates by wearing the exact same kind of crimson for _years_ because she's consistently petty like that.

In dire times like these, Sakura needs to hang on to her spite like Naruto does his ramen.

She briefly considers throwing the ridiculous hat that _just doesn't fit your complexion honey_ to her and being done with the whole disaster. Unfortunately, knowing Ino she might keep it, proclaim herself overlord of the Fire Country and conquer the world, and Sakura would find herself in an even worse position. No, it's decided. She needs to stay Hokage, for the sake of the world.

"Go away." She bravely resists the urge to massage her temples. No sign of weakness allowed with a shark in the room. "I have appointments planned."

Appointments who are incredibly late, by the way. Nothing on the Hatake 'Lost on the Road of Life' Kakashi scale, the rating Sakura uses to put her misadventures into perspective **.** Few incidents are still annoying when she compares them to that time she waited for _six hours_ for her sensei, who was probably hidden in the bushes the whole time, giggling at his damn book. What an arsehole. Note to herself, ban Icha Icha from Konoha. See if Sensei still attempts to ditch his job at her after that.

Anyway, moving on, her revenge on her perverted teacher can wait, she's got to focus on the current threat.

Ino shows perfect white teeth when she grins in reply. If life was truthful, she'd have the sharp and greedy smile of an ogress. "No you don't. Not anymore."

Of fucking course. Ino has yet to meet a part of Sakura's life she doesn't want to meddle with. The hat trembles over Sakura's head as she reins back a steaming Inner under a mask of polite curiosity. "And why is that?"

"Because I told them to scram, duh." Ino makes a face when she helps herself onto Sakura's desk, putting her skinny butt on Sakura's last report without any consideration for her hard work.

Yeah, okay. Let's keep calm and collected, Reliable And Wise Hokage style. Don't punch her smug, ugly mug, even though she's clearly asking for it, she tells Inner firmly. Not even a little punch. Ino is lucky Hokages don't get to resort to violence freely and exercice their frustration on their shinobi unless they want to instigate an insurrection.

"That's great Ino!" Sakura finds comfort instead within the dry arms of her old friend, Sarcasm. "Now I have no assistant _and_ no prospective assistant!"

"Don't be stupid Forehead," the pest of her life scoffs from her sitting position on the desk. "You've got an assistant already..."

Sakura doesn't like where this is going, like, at all. "Oh _hell no_."

"...me!" Ino finishes her sentence as if she hasn't heard her Hokage's frank rebuttal. "Don't thank me Forehead, I'm sacrificing myself for the community."

The community, _her arse_. This is simply the extension of Ino's life project: to ruin personally Sakura's entire existence, and have her victim thank her for it. Who does she think she's fooling, Sakura knows her bitchy heart from head to toes. Ino's trademark psycho bullshit won't work on her. If Pig keeps on taking Sakura for an idiot, someone's going to get punched, and that someone will be Ino. Alright, Sakura is aware she has the disturbing habit of dealing with her problems with violence, and she's working on that, but some people are just asking for it.

Also, after careful reconsideration, insurrections aren't so bad, are they? Hokage who face insurrections don't have to stay Hokage right? Just a thought.

"No. Just, _no_."

"What, no?" Ino crosses her arms in front of her chest, effectively putting emphasis on her breasts, which she knows _infuriates_ Sakura. "Don't be so proud, it's okay to admit you need help even when you're Hokage."

Sakura does need help. Just not from _Ino_. "Pig, pig. Do you really see yourself taking orders from me, hm? And don't think I don't know you bully Chouji to do your paperwork and fix your taxes in your stead. You'd make a terrible assistant."

"Okay, first of all," the blond frowns proudly as she straightens her back on Sakura's desk. "You're already my boss Forehead, that's what being Hokage _means_. Second, I don't bully Chouji, he just keeps on offering because Chou is a nice guy, unlike some people."

"Unlike you you mean," Sakura mumbles with a pointed glare.

"And last, I'd make an _amazing_ assistant, how dare you," Ino purses her lips into her best pout.

Once again, Sakura grew up with that face, she'll need more to be impressed.

"Ino, I know you," Sakura shakes her head almost gently. "You can't keep a schedule for shit, you have no organization, you used to _burn_ your paperwork, for fuck's sake..."

"You speak of old Ino," her best friend interjected haughtily. "I'll have you know New Ino is the most functional human being you'll find in this village."

Which, considering the village has people like Kakashi-sensei or Rock Lee, isn't that much of an feat. Sakura still isn't convinced though, and Ino reads the reluctance on her face like on a open book. She changes strategies mild-rant accordingly.

"Okay, fine, I'm not good at that paperwork stuff," the blond admits. "But! What I'm good at is _people_ , we can agree on that?"

Sakura nods warily, because that's just common sense. Naruto loves ramen, Shikamaru will always try to sleep it off, Ino rules in the people department. Nothing new under the sun, and it doesn't change the fact Ino isn't made for _assisting_. "Yeesss..?"

"Just think about it Forehead," the Yamanaka heiress leans forwards, eyes twinkling with mirth. "Two thirds of your job is dealing with annoying arseholes, right? Just imagine how much faster your meetings will be if your appointments have to pass through _me_ first..."

Sakura has no intention of even considering her proposal but she has to recognize the blond is pointing to a... compelling argument. Officially, Ino is just a florist who takes easy missions on the side to make ends meet. Unofficially, she's the most efficient interrogator Konoha ever had, the one T&I calls when they have no other solution left. Once the she-devil is done with them, Sakura will appear like a god-sent savior to her meetings and people will fall over themselves to agree with whatever she's asking for, _as long as they never have to come back again_.

Tempting. Very tempting.

"I'm going to _eat them alive_ ," the blond cajoles as she grabs a strand of pink hair between her fingers. "And all you'll have to do is pick up the pieces. How does that sound, Forehead? You and me against the idiots, like old times..."

Years later, Ino still knows how to play Sakura's buttons perfectly. Sometimes her oldest friend makes her feel like she hasn't grown up at all, even in her Hokage robes in her Hokage office.

"Alright, fine," Sakura sighs resignedly. She should have just accepted the fact that Ino is an unstoppable force and spared herself another argument. "But you're only on a trial period, so don't get too comfortable Pig..."

"Yeesss!" Ino bumps her fist in the air victoriously. "Oh Forehead, you and I, we're going to have _so much fun_!"

"It's Hokage-sama to you, Pig," Sakura mournfully says, already regretting everything that led her to accept the worst job in the word _and_ inflict Ino upon herself.

"Whatever you say, Forehead Hokage-sama," her brand new assistant nods wisely. "I live to serve."

Evil. Ino lives to serve _Evil_. And Sakura just agreed to throw herself to wolves. She gives it a month tops before a scorned citizen attempts to burn down the Tower to eradicate the demon lurking in its corridors.

Meh. At least she's never going to be bored again.

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II. Ino (Chouji)

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After only a few days at the office, Mimi has grown enough to cover the wall on Ino's right, effectively earning herself entire afternoons worth of sunlight. Smart girl. She brings such a nice touch to Ino's Fearsome Hokage branding.

The ANBU standing stiffly in front of the Hokage's desk must think so as well since he tries very hard not to stare at the giant man-eating plant purring in his near vicinity. His wariness is terribly refreshing to Ino. Nowadays Chouji doesn't even condescend to blink at Mimi, hence new audiences are always a boost to get her kicks. Don't judge her, Ino has to get her fun _somehow_ , doesn't she?

"Something else you wish to add, Rat?" Ino-The-Hokage asks as she shuffles the report of his mission somewhere around her neat desk.

"No, Hokage-sama!" Rat perks up. "I'm ready to get back on duty!"

Yeah, Ino-The-Psychiatrist doesn't _think so_. She knows the tremors in his right hand, recognizes the tension in his stance, sees burn-out plain as day in his false enthusiasm. From her **professional** point of view, this dude isn't in a good state of mind for the standard ANBU missions and their usual package of assassination, torture and other pleasantries. And her professional point of view is basically foolproof, if she may say so herself.

"Fabulous," Ino-The-Hokage nods solemnly. "Take another few days. I'll work something out. Dismissed."

This is exactly why Ino sits on that chair in the first place. Reports and tactics bore her, but people? People are her realm, her turf, her _bitches_. Hokages rule over people, not paperwork, and the old geezers assumed getting someone with T&I background, therefore supposedly receptive to For The Greater Good reasons, would be a novel change. Admittedly the fact she practically designed the ROOT rehabilitation program on her own might have been her downfall. That one is on Ino.

Hence, Hokage Yamanaka. Which might sound like a good plan until you realize Ino can't organize anything longer than a party for shit, doesn't even pay her own taxes herself and considers pairing her socks to be the highest form of classification. But it's all fine anyway, because if there is one thing Ino learnt from Team Ten, it's the fine art of delegation.

Ino sucks at filling paperwork, and it's okay. She's got a Chouji. And people with Choujis on their side are as good as unstoppable, as far as Ino's concerned.

"Chou," she wriggles out of her Hokage's persona as soon as Rat flickers away. Being The Hokage is exhausting, she has no idea how the Sandaime did this crap for _decades_. "Choooouji, my dude! Tell me we've got some nice, friendly mission on standby to ease back Rat's return into ANBU. Preferably somewhere sunny, with rabbits. We do have a rabbit cuddling mission, don't we?"

"Rat is allergic to rabbits fur, so I don't recommend it," Chouji replies thoughtfully, because of course he remembers things like that. She watches the gears turn in Chouji's head as he looks inside his inner files, still fascinated after years by the entire process. "I think there is a goat saving mission in Grass..."

"Excellent, let's go with that!" Ino cheers. On her inner scale of cuteness value, goats don't even come close to rabbits, but she'll work with what she's got. Thank the Sage for all the weirdos in Grass requiring high-ranked assassins to fetch their lame pets. To be fair to goats, in Ino's mind all pets are lame compared to her darling Mimi. "I'm all up for sending Rat to rescue caprines, what do you think, my dearest assistant?"

Chouji hums along easily. Mimi blurps in approval in the background as well. That or she's asking for food before she tries to devour one of Ino's minions. Probably the last. And because Chou is the best assistant in the world, he recognizes the signal as she does and begins to look for food in order to satisfy the green monster Ino keeps as a pet.

Some people not well-versed with Ino-Shika-Chou dynamics (read: morons) hadn't understood her choice of an assistant. Akimichi-kun is very nice, but surely Nara-kun is more suitable for the role, they said, assuming her arguably smarter teammate would make a better help.

Ah. Ah. What a joke. Nara 'lazy arsehole' Shikamaru would be the worst assistant in the _world_. Ino would likely have to spend more time tracking him down to get him to do her... _his_ work than anything else. He would be whiny and bitchy and just asking to be kicked all the time, and Ino simply can't deal with this crap anymore, she's got a village to handle.

But Chouji? Chouji has _work-ethic_ , though Ino has no clue where it comes from. He never complains, even when they have to stay overtime, like, all evenings. He knows how Ino functions. _He remembers to feed Mimi_.

"Chou," she eyes her Hokage robes distastefully. "If I defect to become Mizukage or Kazekage instead, will you follow me? Red looks terrible on me."

Blue or green attire would definitely suit her complexion better. Ino can pull off crimson, of course she can, but it doesn't mean she should have to.

"You look very nice, Ino," he replies on the spot as he throws Yamanaka-homemade food balls to Mimi from a safe distance. "You _always_ look nice."

See? Best. Assistant. Ever. Shikamaru got nothing on that guy.

"I do, don't I?" she preens with a self-confident smirk. "But let's say hypothetically I _do_ defect..."

Ino wouldn't of course. She's bled too much for this village to leave it now, and Chouji knows so. Her friends and family live here and though this village is ninety percent filled with weirdos and motherfuckers, they sadly happen to be _Ino's_ weirdos and motherfuckers.

Chouji blinks curiously. "Then in my position of honorary Hokage I'll have to send our biggest anti-missing-nin weapon."

"We have an anti-missing-nin weapon?" Ino gasps, startled. How come no one told her? She's the Hokage, that's the kind of thing she's supposed to know.

"Naruto, and his Everything Will Be Better jutsu," the Akimichi smiles. "You'll be back in no time."

Her laughter tremors in her throat. They do have an anti missing-nin weapon after all, don't they. Or they used to, at least.

"Naruto is retired," Ino points out for the sake of exactitude. "You'll tear him away from his ramen because I have opinions on red? Harsh, Chou, harsh."

Although he'd deserve it. If not for Naruto's sudden change of career, Ino wouldn't find herself in this situation in the first place. The least he can do is come get her if she lost her freaking mind trying to fill up shoes that simply won't fit her.

"Ino," Chouji says in a Serious Business kind of voice instead of indulging her further in imaginary scenarios of grand escapes. " _Are_ you alright?"

The thing is, being Hokage is all fun and giggles until you realize the extent of how much people's lives rely on your decision-making skills. Technically Ino has done worse things in T&I than sign a piece of paper, but at the end of the day, acting the role of an executor is radically different from a leader.

Everyone who knows her would agree, Ino is far from squeamish, and yet. Her new position is nothing short of terrifying. Some days it's just too much, too much responsibility, too much pressure, too much _everything_.

Fortunately for those days, there is a Chouji, waiting patiently in their office, a cup of coffee in the his hand and an exhaustive list of solutions classified by order of preference. Ino genuinely can't believe how kindly competent that guy is, and she has known him her entire life.

"Maybe she needs that rabbit mission for herself," he mumbles to Mimi. "What do you think?"

Mimi replies by twirling a vine fondly around his spiky hair. So. Cute.

"Aw, Chou!" Ino cooes at the adorable sight. "Why would I need rabbits when I got _you_ , uh?"

Chouji blushes like when they were twelve and he hasn't used to Ino trying out her blossoming womanly viles on her poor teammates, and everything is good in Ino's life.

Even though red _really_ doesn't suit her.

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III. Chouji (Shikamaru)

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The robes are too big. This is a novel experience for Chouji, with his bulk he usually has the opposite problem. Yet here he is, in the Hokage full regalia hanging awkwardly around his frame, stuck in an office he shouldn't be in, sitting on a chair he doesn't deserve to touch with a nine inch pole, even less put his ungraceful arse on.

Intellectually, he knows the robes fit him perfectly, but they're still too big. No matter how large Chouji can get, they will never stop being too big.

"I can't believe you did this to me," he makes a valiant attempt to glare at the responsible of his current predicament.

Glaring doesn't come naturally to Chouji. Shikamaru has long mastered the art of conveying contempt with a single half-lidded look, Ino can keep her victim locked in her staring for what seems like hours, Chouji just...doesn't. Not since he was a kid and people kept on mocking his weight or trying to steal his food, the rudest taboo for an Akimichi.

He has to make an extra effort to channel his inner ten-years old self. Shikamaru, considering he's known Chouji their entire life, isn't impressed. To be fair to his glaring skills, the Nara head rarely is.

"I did not _do this to you_ ," his back-stabbing friend has the gall to sigh as he leans against the desk, _Chouji's desk_. "The Council..."

"Did what you convinced them to," Chouji interjects, unwilling to hear the same bullshit Shikamaru served him when they came by his house with deceptive congratulations and the damned robes. "Don't take me for an idiot, if you please."

"I'm not, Chouji, you know I'm not," Shikamaru says pleadingly, guiltily. "We need a Hokage. You're Hokage material. Kakashi-sama gave his approval. It was a simple calcu..."

"But I'm _not_!" he snarls like a cornered beast. "Naruto is Hokage material. _You_ 're Hokage material. I'm just...Chouji"

Akimichi Chouji, friend, crybaby, teammate, heir. The simple prospect of one day becoming the head of his clan when he has been preparing for the role his whole life feels **fills** him with dread. Chouji is not ready for a village, he's just not. He can barely get his own life under control, and Shikamaru threw at him thousands of lives to care for. If there is a set of shoulders wide enough to carry such a burden, those shoulders aren't Chouji's.

But he knows Shikamaru doesn't get it, reads incomprehension on the face he has known forever. His best friend with his sharp brain is familiar with crippling guilt or fear of failure, but self-consciousness is a burden he simply never had to deal with. Shikamaru has no time to lose nor room in his heart for self-hatred, while Chouji's is a constellation of self-deprecation.

"Why can't _you_ be Hokage then?" he scowls.

Shikamaru is smarter, this is a fact of life. He's no stranger to complicated decisions. He's on friendly terms with most jonin. He's clearly already involved in the hierarchy of the Tower. He led a damned army, for fuck's sake. People respect the Nara head, both shinobi and civilian.

Obviously, he's a far better pick than _Chouji_. Anyone with half a brain would come to the same conclusion, yet Chouji is the one sitting on the Hokage's chair, feeling uncomfortable as hell. He wants to know _why_ , and if it's simply Shika got too lazy, Sage help him...

"People would obey me," Shikamaru eventually answers, pronouncing each words slowly. "But they wouldn't love me. They will love you. Already do, I bet. They don't just need someone to follow, they need someone they _want_ to follow. I'm..not that person."

"That's not true Shika," Chouji leaps to his friend's defense immediately. Okay, Shikamaru literally just threw him under the bus but that doesn't meant he will let anyone say anything negative about his best bro without reacting, including Shika himself. "You're very lovable!"

Shikamaru's smile is sharp enough to get cut on the edges. "I'm really not, Chou, but thanks for the vote of confidence."

That being said, Chouji has no idea what Shika could possibly meant by 'want to follow'. Within his own clan or by extension the Yamanaka or the Nara, he has never felt inadequate, but anywhere else? Chouji wouldn't know popularity if it danced salsa naked in front of him.

He's about to tell Shika this when someone knocks at the door. The word "enter" escapes his mouth before he can think twice about it. Shikamaru swiftly positions himself at Chouji's right as Elder Homura marches in.

Considering her pursed lips and crossed arms, Elder Homura looks incredibly displeased with Chouji. She should get in line. "Akimichi-kun, we need to talk about..."

" _Hokage-sama_ ," Shikamaru corrects with false nonchalance, putting his hands in his pocket passive-aggressively.

Chouji peeks a amused glance to the side. After so many years, he's not half proud of his expertise on Nara's nonverbal set of micro-expressions and easily recognizes this slouch as the 'looking casual but actually _this close_ to tearing your eyeballs out'. Looks like someone is pissed, and surprisingly that someone isn't Chouji anymore.

"Yes, _Hokage-sama_ , my apologies." Venerable Elder Homura narrows her eyes. "We need to talk about this supply shipment you're intending to send to Rivers."

Boy, people work fast around here. Chouji barely started drafting the plans this morning. "What about it?"

"What about it? _What about it_?" the former kunoichi practically growls, which is kind of disturbing coming from someone who could be his grandmother. "You're practically giving out our food for nothing! I'm aware you're new to responsibilities, _Hokage-sama_ , but we're not running a charity organization here!"

Shikamaru's stance shifts to "half casual" to "outright displeased" so fast Chouji feels the need to put a hand on his arm as a gesture of appeasement. "Venerable Elder, I'm still learning, as you said. But this land has been harshly touched by wars that did not concern them, and now they're starving. Who am I to refuse them basic assistance because they can't afford it right now? They shall repay us when they get back on their feet."

Chouji is no Ino, but he doesn't need to be to see the contempt on her face. Foolish Akimichi child, obsessed with food, full of naive illusions of how the world works. If Chouji had any illusions in the first place, they certainly didn't survive the war.

He's just convinced no peace can be achieved as long as a stomach stays empty. You don't require decades of experience to understand no one is reasonable when they have a furious beast clawing in their belly. Chouji sure isn't.

"What about the addition of Yamanaka Santa and Akimichi Chouko?" Venerable Elder Homura grits her teeth, and Chouji is never going to be able to call her anything else, even in the relative privacy of his own head.

He blinks innocently. "Well, those rice fields won't regrow themselves, will they? We need to plan ahead for the future and Santa and Choko are very good at regrowing stuff."

Shikamaru thinks he's being discreet with his smugness but he really, _really_ isn't.

"Homura-sama, I get it," he adds before Homura explodes with fury at his obtuse attitude. "Despite what other villages think, Konoha didn't thrive by acting like a bleeding heart. Believe me, I'm very aware of that. But times are different now, this war and its shinobi union has opened new possibilities, and we need to get on board with the path towards peace Uzumaki Naruto cleared for us."

He takes a deep breath. This is kind of big, even for Chouji, and the robes are heavy on his shoulders, so heavy. "I sincerely believe we can be useful for other things than murder, terror and domination. That we can learn to communicate, grow and build instead of destroy out of fear."

Venerable Elder Homura stares and stares until Chouji's drowning under his Hokage's armor with how much he's sweating. At his side Shikamaru stares back with what now dangerously leans towards blatant animosity, as if he can make her accept Chouji's vision out of sheer murderous intent. It's nice to feel supported, but also the opposite of the point Chouji's trying to make.

"Ideals won't protect us," Venerable Elder Homura eventually responds to her new Hokage's display of good sentiment with skepticism.

"No. But ideals could build a world where we don't need to protect ourselves anymore. Not today, not tomorrow, not in a decade and probably not in our lifetime, but one day."

It's not quite respect or agreement he sees in her eyes, but it's something close. Consideration, perhaps. He'll take what he can get. "Keep your pretty speeches for your supporters, Hokage-sama. I'm warning you, you'll have to answer for your decisions. Just like the rest of us."

On that ominou **s** last sentence, Venerable Elder Homura walks out, as dignified as when she helped herself in.

Chouji's tensed muscles visibly deflate when he sighs in relief. Meanwhile, Shikamaru finally relaxes from his borderline murderous stance and smirks. "That went well."

" _Well_?" he repeats, flabbergasted **.** "You're joking right?"

"You don't know the old hag like I do," Shikamaru rolls his eyes. He clearly doesn't have a 'Venerable Elder Homura' in his head like Chouji does. "Trust me, you aced that battle."

'Like I knew you would' he doesn't say, but Chouji is familiar with his inner glowing full of 'I told you so'. Usually he doesn't mind his best friend's gloating, the same way he lets Ino walk over him fondly. Today however, he can't let Shikamaru leave feeling like he's won, he just can't.

If Chouji has to go down that road, he might as well take his so called best friend along for the ride.

"It's a very nice office," he blurts out, seemingly out of nowhere.

Shikamari immediately tenses up, searching for the hidden trap. He answers slowly, his tone dripping of suspicion. "It..is?"

"I'm glad you think so!" Chouji chirps. "Because you sure are going to spend a lot of time in here."

To his credit, Shika understands instantly what's his friend is trying to do. Unfortunately, he can't stop him this time, because he just gave Chouji dominion over the village, who happens to include his person. "Oi, Chouji, wait a sec..."

"I'm promoting you to Hokage's assistant! Don't thank me, it's only fair since I owe you my own unexpected ascension on the rank."

Shika is outright panicking now. "Chouji, you can't..."

"Actually I can! I'm Hokage, remember? What was that you said again? I need an assistant, you're assistant material, it's a match made in Heaven, really. You, me, sneaky elders and lots, _lots_ of paperwork..."

"CHOUJI!"

Chouji meant what he said about peace and stuff, but he has to admit, revenge _does_ taste sweet.

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IV. Shikamaru (Shino)

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If there is a corner in Hell specifically dedicated to people who force Hogakeship on innocent bystanders who just wanted to nap in peace, that is exactly where Hatake Kakashi will go when he finally kicks the bucket. A corner full of endless council meetings, stubborn desk chunnin with illusions of grandeur and sabotaging tendencies, screeching civilian nobles and their demon cat, and naturally, good ol' self reproducing _paperwork_.

Shikamaru never was one of those kids who aimed to become The Hokage. He understood very young that being In Charge only meant a drastic reduction of the allowed time spent on cloud watching and generally plenty of trouble. Shikamaru wanted to be involved in trouble as little as possible, hence no Hokage dream for him.

So why, _why in hell_ , of all the shinobi of Konoha, would he be the one chosen to lead, when he clearly had made no secret of his lack of motivation? Hatake fucking Kakashi, that's why. Who thought 'maa, since my student bailed on us, Nara-kun would make a nice successor in his stead, wouldn't he?'.

And that's basically how Shikamaru ended up wrapped in his Hokage garb, scowling behind his Hokage desk and the literal mountains of paperwork living in it. Seriously, it's like a small ecosystem made of paper, ink and the absurdity of human existence, Shikamaru almost feels bad disturbing its growth. He wants to see how big his paperwork monster can get if left unattended long enough. Unfortunately, his assistant isn't being very understanding of his boss' scientific curiosity and keeps on trying to convince him to do his paperwork in time, _so that it_ _doesn't reach your ceiling, Hokage-sama._

Which is very sensitive and practical, the very reason an Aburame was chosen as Hokage's assistant. A perfectly normal answer, except Shikamaru _wants_ his paper pet to reach the ceiling. It's his passive-aggressive way to show his displeasure at the system without putting his comrades in danger. He might not _fill_ it, but he definitely remembers everything that ends up on his desk. Or his floor, because at some point the stacks needed expansion. Shikamaru was so proud of his baby the day his desk chunnin had to relent and accept the fact the desk couldn't handle any more pressure.

From a exterior point of view, the several towers of paperwork spread around the room might look chaotic, but Shikamaru has a _system_. Like, right now, he's hiding behind the 'taxes on imported sweets from Snow' stack, courtesy of some foreign merchant with enough persistence to single-handedly give birth to two of Shikamaru's towers. And since Shikamaru is a vicious bastard, he's never, _ever_ , filling out that paperwork.

Those stacks are buried deep enough within the paperwork jungle that people might give up trying to find him. Cat knows he's here naturally, but she seems to harbour some sympathy for her Hokage's plight. Cat's clearly his favorite, but even her indulgence of his idiosyncrasies can't protect him from the holy might of his assistant.

"Hokage-sama," Shino manages to convey his Disapproval And Disappointment in a perfectly toneless voice as he tilts his head to the side of the stack Shikamaru fondly nicknamed Sweetie. "Sakurai-san seems to be convinced you were kidnapped. I'm glad it is not the case."

Sakurai-san must be the new desk chunin who ran from his office screaming for the Hokage. Ah. Funny. "One can hope," Shikamaru says morosely to Sweetie without acknowledging Shino's insistent stare. "And it's Shikamaru."

Every time Shino calls him by his title in private, Shikamaru corrects him, because it's just weird to have the guy who used to glare at him for snoring in class 'Hokage-sama' him. Every time Shino nods and ignores his request. He's half convinced the Aburame is just as happy with his new job as Shikamaru is with his, but also has too much work-ethic to simply quit on the spot. Excessive protocol might be his own way to manifest his discomfort and who is Shikamaru to spit on passive aggressive methods of protest?

Anyway, they have a ritual, and Shikamaru needs more of those to adjust to his new lifestyle.

"Hn," Shino pulls a Sasuke on him, which he knows annoys his 'Hokage-sama'. Rude. "May I remind you the floor is not a appropriate place to sleep on?"

Especially when there is a perfectly serviceable bed not two rooms away, his raising eyebrows say. As it is, beds, while more comfortable, do not have the same chuunin-repelling power than as Sweetie. Also, joke's on him because...

"Eh, I can sleep anywhere," Shikamaru half-shrugs, "it's my greatest skill."

"...admirable," Shino deadpans. Behind his collar and social awkwardness, Shino is quite the cynical arsehole, Shikamaru has noticed, and he's very knowledgable on cynical arseholes. "anywhere and _anywhen_ , I suppose?"

Hey, mild-afternoon is a perfectly good time to sleep. "You got it buddy."

"I see." He likely does.

There is a buzzling in the air, characteristic of the Aburame's presence, the soft sound of hundreds of kikaichu fluttering. Shikamaru is conditioned to associate it with safety. The familiar feeling of small feet running on his cheek doesn't even faze him anymore. He keeps his eyes firmly closed, as he has no wish to see his assistant's displeasure when he figures out what Shikamaru has been up to.

"Hokage-sama," Shino finally says. "Your chakra reserve seems to be severely depleted."

"Weird." Shikamaru ignores the accusation hidden in the Aburame's infallible politeness. "Still Shikamaru by the way."

"And you have several bruises as well."

"Clumsy me," he yawns with practice boredom.

A pause, the length of time it takes for Shino to process the fact Shikamaru had been in a fight and subsequently refused to get treated for his injuries, and to get worked up about his boss' lack of concern for his health. Shino has plenty of strange opinions about Shikamaru's wellbeing, considering the fact he doesn't even like him, but whatever.

The thing is, they kind of agreed Shikamaru wouldn't participate in the ANBU mission. More accurately, Shino stated it wouldn't do for the Hokage to act as a decoy to attract the remnant of ROOT they were looking for, and Shikamaru vaguely grunted in approval. Except at the end of day they still needed a trap, and Shikamaru in his bright red attire made perfect trap material. He just chose not to inform his assistant of his change of heart and hoped the guy wouldn't notice.

Fat chance with that. He should have let Snake take him to the hospital, but he hates those for more than he fears his assistant's subtle nagging. And he's been told Hokages just don't take rest days, so here he is, dozing off behind Sweetie.

A dozen kikaichu fly from Shino's sleeves to Shikamaru's back, nest themselves over his chakra pathways and send blissful chakra through it him. The feeling of foreign energy forcing its way into Shikamaru isn't exactly pleasant, but he still likes it better than the cold intrusion of a medic-nin's green chakra.

"Shino, you're a godsend," he sighs as he feels his energy spiking up beneath his skin.

"An over-exaggeration, but the feeling is appreciated," Shino hums quietly as he leans toward Shikamaru's sprawled form. "Now if you would agree to stop pushing yourself so much, my job would get easier. Why? Because I am expected to keep you alive and functional."

"It's nice to know you care," he dryly answers as an adventurous insect climbs on the edge of his nose.

"I do care. When was the last time you ate?"

Shikamaru thinks of the apple he snatched from a desk chuunin's pocket last evening and decides to lie. "This morning."

"Is that so," Shino doesn't look very convinced behind his collar. Shikamaru can tell the difference since he is now a master at Aburame micro-expressions and nonverbal communication. "I believe you are in need of sustenance. Let us go."

"I'm fine," Shikamaru whines as he lets himself be dragged up. By now he knows better than to fight his assistant, it's just too troublesome. If Shino has decided something is to happen, then it definitely will, one way or another. "Why are you doing this to your Hokage?"

"Making sure my Hokage doesn't starve because he's too lazy, you mean?" the Aburame deadpans. "Truly my cruelty knows no bonds."

"It's because of the Sasuke retrieval mission, right?" He wriggles his eyebrows as Shino leads his uncooperative charge through the paperwork jungle like a pro. "You're still bitter about that? C'mon man, be honest, I can take it."

Shino is rolling his eyes behind those glasses of his, Shikamaru bets. "Hokage-sama. You truly are ridiculous."

" _Shikamaru_ , you truly are ridiculous. Repeat after me, Shino, I have faith in your abilities, you can do it," Shikamaru smirks where his assistant can't see it. Theoretically.

Shino scoffs visibly. A kikaichu dances on his cheek and he can't hold back his nervous hilarity. It's Shikamaru's entire life that's ridiculous.

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V. Shino (Kiba)

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The report has teeth marks and drools on the line, an oddity on Shino's rigorously pristine desk. A few weeks ago the papers usually didn't survive travel, so he's counting this as progress.

"Thank you Akamaru," he tells the dog solemnly.

The dognin wiggles his tail excitedly as he accepts his reward for the delivery, an Inuzuka made biscuit straight from the jar Shino keeps in his drawer.

By now, Akamaru is more or less a fixed feature of the Tower, a mascot brightening Shino's exceedingly unexciting workplace. As Shino refused to hire an assistant when he became Hokage, Akamaru filled the vacancy and turned out to be so adorably inefficient at the job no one dared to tell him off, not even Shino. And that's basically why a dog ended up assuming the role of on-and-off assistant to the Hokage.

The dognin is more or less the only element of chaos inside the Hokage's office. Shino quickly remodelled his workplace to his image, tidy, spotless and meticulously professional. Shizuka-san, an elderly desk chunin who served under three different Hokage before Shino whistled admiration when she stepped inside the office and affirmed she'd never seen the place so neat in her whole career.

That's probably because she never had an Aburame boss. Before he enrolled at the Academy, order was the only way of living Shino knew. In the clan, similar to a hive, everything has a place, everyone has a role they need to fulfil, and so they do as Aburame are eminently practical people who rarely put up irrational fusses for nothing. Structure and organization is the core of their community, and Shino adhered to those values without question.

Needless to say the confrontation with the rest of Konoha bemused a six-year old Shino more than anything. Outside the clan, people were so messy, so irrational, so utterly incomprehensible. No one seemed to be happy or even satisfied with the role they were given, and the rest of world couldn't be bothered to adjust to their wishes. People mostly listened to _their_ emotions and to _their w_ oes, without paying much attention to the wellbeing of the whole.

Shino couldn't understand the other children of his peer group, and they couldn't understand him either, a recurring issue for his strange clan. Among the major clans, Aburame is the closest thing they have to an outsider. Uchiha and Senju founded the village, Yamanaka, Nara and Akimichi have their own thing going on, Sarutobi gets historical alliances with the Senju and an Hokage, Inuzuka are basically on friendly terms with everyone, Hyuuga brings close ties with Fire nobility, but Aburame? Aburame got bugs, which make them _weird_ and _creepy_. Obviously they aren't more popular among civilians, if anything their pubic image is even worse.

There is a reason there hasn't been an Aburame Hokage before Shino. Hokages are supposed to represent the entirety of the village, to be the the leader, the parent, the guide of every single citizen regardless of their origin and status, while Shino couldn't maintain any kind of relationship with anyone outside his family until his twelfth birthday. No one was more baffled by his appointment than Shino himself.

"Life can take strange turns, don't you think," he muses out loud, his hand scratching behind Akamaru's ears.

His furry friend barks in approval, and Shino is filled with an uncontrollable wave of affection for the members of his genin team. By the time he left the Academy, Shino had resigned himself to a life of isolation from the rest of his so-called comrades. But Team Eight would not give up on him, they sorted him out of his crippling social awkwardness, Sensei with her godlike patience, Hinata with her kind selflessness and Kiba with his relentless friendliness and complete inability to respect personal space. He owes them so much, for making him realize how loneliness weighed him down, how much stronger he could become with comrades at his side and friends to protect.

If Shino understands what Konoha and its will of fire are, it's only because of Team Eight. He wouldn't be the man he is now, the man who somehow managed to win his village's respect unintentionally, if not for them.

"If you have a miracle solution to push Iwa and Iron to get along, feel free to share your insight," Shino mumbles to Akamaru as he opens the relevant folder without enthusiasm.

Unfortunately, his on-and-off assistant only has moral support to offer. He puts his paw on the Aburame's lap and licks his hand comfortingly. Good enough as far as Shino's concerned. But perhaps his ANBU gard has some wisdom on the matter, Shino wonders as the secret operative flickers in front of his desk. He blinks questioningly at a kneeling Dog, Akamaru barking in greeting at his side. If Dog cannot be considered a stickler for rules in any circumstances, breaking the protocol by appearing to his Hokage without being called on or for an emergency goes further than his usual disregard for authority.

"Something the matter, Dog?" Shino asks eventually after an uncomfortably long period of silence.

"Hokage-sama," Dog says with the toneless voice that goes in pair with the mask. "It's past one in the morning."

His eyes turns briefly towards the clock. "So it is."

When Dog fails to provide more intel about the importance of this information, he adds teasingly, "Is time-telling a new duy of ANBU I haven't been made aware of?"

ANBU are meant to be the elite of Konoha's shinobi, anonymous, efficient and emotionless soldiers at the direct service of the Hokage. This one is no exception to the rule, but Shino's known Kiba for too long not to read irritability in his stiff stance.

If an Aburame Hokage seems like a ridiculous idea, so does an Inuzuka ANBU. Not for lack of skill on their part, but simply because no one can pull off anonymity with an enormous dog at their side. The captain outright laughed when Kiba asked to join their rank the day following Shino's assumption of office. If anything, he laughed twice as much after the Inuzuka aced at their tests _without_ Akamaru's assistance. Kiba quickly reached the inner circle of the Hokage's security detail, his only objective. For some reason, he's still convinced Shino cannot be kept safe by anyone but himself, and if he has to enter 'those stick-in-the-butt ANBU', so be it.

Kiba is the one non-Aburame person Shino thinks he understands well enough, but he's still confusing as hell. As Akamaru cannot follow his partner on ANBU missions, the dog spends more time drooling over Shino's paperwork than with Kiba. Which doesn't make any sense, considering no one is more important to Kiba than his dog, and vice versa.

No, even his oldest friend's behaviour leaves Shino bemused by humankind.

"You started working at six last morning, and hasn't stopped since," Dog gets on his feet without permission. At this point protocol might as well be forgotten and buried.

"Inexact," Shino counters out of sheer habit. "Why? I had a lunch pause."

"For fifteen minutes. With _Elder Homura_ ," Dog drawls carefully as if his Hokage is particularly slow-witted and requires dumb explanations to get the gravity of the situation." It doesn't _count_."

Kiba is now getting so worked up even the sealing on his mask meant to smooth over his tone fails to hide his indignation. It's a genuinely amusing process, but once again Shino might indeed be a bit tired. "And your point is?"

"My point is, Hokage-sama, you did the exact same thing for the whole week and for all I know, you're still a human being. Sleep is not _optional._ Iwa and Iron can wait for a few hours, can't they?"

Shino cocks his head to the side, a condescending move that will only manage to infuriate his interlocutor further. "Your concern is appreciated, but unnecessary. I'll think about it. Dismissed."

Because he has seen it happen a thousand times before, he can tell the exact moment his best friend loses his shit. "Get. Some. Fucking. Sleep. Or I swear to God I'll knock you out and drag you to your bed myself, don't push me Shino."

Dog never gets to finish his threats as his ANBU partner finally decides to intervene. Squirrel usually allows Kiba's informal breaches of conduct with their boss because she knows Shino likes it better that way and because of her own fondness for the charismatic Inuzuka. This time however his cavalier attitude cannot be glossed over for the sake of their old friendship.

"Hokage-sama, please accept my most sincere apologies for my partner's unprofessional behavior," she forces Dog to bow with her, a kunai pressed on his neck threateningly where Shino is not supposed to see it. "It won't happen again, I swear..."

"Fuck no it won't!" Kiba growls, disentangling himself from Squirrel's hold. "Because I'm _quitting_! You hear me Shino, I'm quitting ANBU!"

Silence in the room. Kiba is still fuming, Squirrel clearly has no idea how to deal with the situation, Akamaru is staring at the humans getting all worked up with skeptical wonder. As for the venerable Hokage, his heart is throbbing so hard in his throat he feels like he won't be able to speak ever again.

Dammit.

There is a reason Aburames force themselves to remain as calm as humanly possible in all circumstances. An Aburame's body is an ecosystem by itself. If the host starts to panic, the kikaichu won't be long to follow the movement. Right now, his colonies are fluttering anxiously under his skin, quite audibly if Squirrel's wary flinch gives any indication. At any other moment Shino would be beyond embarrassed for his lost of composure.

Tonight he can't be bothered to care. Neither can Kiba, as he doesn't even wince at Shino's loud display of displeasure.

"Is that so?" Shino breaks the heavy silence with a croak.

"Yeah, it is so," Kiba's scowling face is revealed when _he_ _throws his mask on the ground_. "And you better rehire me as assistant if you know what's good for you!"

The buzzing peeks before it stills. Air finds its way back to Shino's lungs.

"I'll take on it from there here," he turns to Squirrel, ignoring Kiba altogether. "You're dismissed."

"Hokage-sama..." she hesitates but shunshins away without further ado when Shino glares at her ominously.

The minute she's gone, Shino falls back against his desk, a rare allowance of weakness. He pinches the bridge of his nose tiredly. " _Must_ you be so dramatic?"

" _Me?"_ Kiba scoffs, putting his hands on his hips in a keen mimic of his mother. "I'm the least dramatic person I know. _I_ never stayed behind to die, did I, uh?

Ah. The mission that got Shino his hat. As his squad were hunted down by enemies far more numerous, he had convinced his injured team to go on without him as he stayed behind to slow down their pursuers. He only survived thanks to his kikaichu, a astute use of his environment, his enemies' arrogance and raw luck. That, and the timely arrival of a rescue team led by a steaming Kiba, who hadn't been very impressed by Shino's 'suicidal tendencies.' It's ridiculous, Shino is not suicidal, he's merely dutiful. Kiba only has himself to blame, he's the one who taught Shino about his 'buddies before anything' rule.

If Kiba hasn't appreciated Shino's stunt, the village certainly has. Shino was made Hokage six months later, after Naruto's abrupt turn of career.

"Not this discussion again," Shino sighs. "You can't hold it against me forever."

Kiba's glare replies that, yes, in fact, he very much _can_.

"What's with this assistant nonsense anyway?" Shino changes the subject swiftly. "You refused the post when I asked you."

Several good shinobi have been proposed to serve as his help, but Shino wanted someone he knew. Kurenai had Mirai to care for, Hinata was busy enough with her clan, and Kiba laughingly turned down his offer. So Shino refused to hire anyone else. He doesn't need someone to fill out paperwork or organize his agenda, he does that perfectly well on his own. What he needs is someone who can actually connect with people, someone personable and friendly to make him seem more approachable by association. Someone like Kiba.

(What he really needs is a _friend._ )

"Yeah, 'cause I was massively under-qualified!" Kiba throws his arms in the air with growing exasperation. "Still am, but you're so...ugh!"

The words to describe Shino's shitty character escapes him, so he settles for pointing at him angrily. "You can't be trusted to fucking take care of yourself!"

It's just rich coming from the man whose main method of attack consists of throwing himself at the enemy. And it's such a Kiba thing to say Shino can't stop his lips from grinning hard behind his collar.

"Alright."

"I don't give a fuck if...wha?" he stops mid-rant when he realizes what Shino just agreed on.

"I said alright. You can start tomorrow morning," Shino repeats slowly. "I'll talk to your captain about your... reassignment."

"Oh," Kiba deflates, bemused at his own easy victory. "Well, that's good then..."

"I'm just surprised you would try to steal Akamaru's job so carelessly," he muses out loud casually.

Akamaru growls threateningly as Kiba raises two hands in front of him in an universal gesture of appeasement. "Akamaru, buddy, it's not what you think..."

Shino can't help the laugh bubbling at the edge of his mouth.

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VI. Kiba (Hinata)

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"Hokage-sama," Iruka-sensei intones when he bows, _bows to Kiba_ , and there is no way in Kiba is ever going to get used to that, nope, not happening.

Despite the devious nature of his job, Kiba has never felt like a fraud before. He considers himself an honest person (mostly), born in a honest clan (except for Hana, but his evil sister is no representative of the entirety of the group), grown up an honest ninja (as much as humanly possible when one's teacher is Yuuhi 'Demon Mirage' Kurenai).

In his Hokage's frankly unpractical robes (Kiba knows everything a man can know about practicality, the consequences of having _Shino_ as a teammate), behind his Hokage's Desk (he never had a desk before, that's how surreal the situation is), watching the man who used to send his brat-self to the corner to think about what he had done (which he never did, by the way) calls him Hokage-sama and be all deferential.

When did this farce become his life again? Oh yeah, when Naruto refused the post everyone had been expecting him to take and threw the hat to Kiba, because they're basically the same ya know?

What a bastard. Kiba hopes he chokes on his noodles. Well, not really, if anyone deserves a fucking happy ending with ramen or whatever, it's Naruto, but did he have to step up on Kiba to get out of Hell? Buddies don't force each other to replace them on the spot for a lifetime of paperwork and nagging elders, it ain't in the bro code.

"Hi Iruka-sensei!" Kiba waves from behind The Desk as Akamaru barks happily in greeting. Kiba may arguably be the Hokage, but Iruka will never stop being _Iruka-sensei,_ this is Fact.

He realizes a second after the act that shaking his hand like a loon might not be Appropriate Hokage Behavior, aka AHB (old hag Homura has a shit-ton of opinions regarding AHB). Hinata doesn't say anything so Kiba figures he's in the clear for now. The Hyuuga heiress is not the type to yell or make a scene, an everlasting relief for Kaba's sensitive ears. However she does have a mean Disappointed Frown she addresses at Kiba everytime he messes up _bad_ (so, like, a lot). You'd think it would have lost it's guilt-inducing power by now, but noooo.

"Hinata-kun, Akamaru-kun," Iruka-sensei smiles (he still doesn't forget to include Akamaru, this dude is amazing) before turning his nose down to his scowling pupil. His own Disapproving Frown is very good, even better than Kiba remembers. Can't top Hinata's though. "I'm bringing before you this young rascal, who thought it'd be a good idea to vandalize one of our precious monuments."

'This young rascal', a girl of about ten years old with probable civilian background looks anything but repentant, even in front of her Hokage. Since Kiba has found himself in similar situations many times before (and boy hadn't he), he reads unease behind her mask of bravado and empathizes more than he should.

Needless to say, Kiba likes this stubborn little shit like he just gave birth to her himself.

"Oh? What kind of monument?" he asks, trying not to sound too much excited. Vandalizing is familiar territory Kiba doesn't feel uncomfortable dwelling on, unlike market taxes, diplomatic agreements or who should get the goat between two equally annoying neighbors.

Little Shit smirks. Iruka-sensei shuffles. "Hum...your face, Hokage-sama."

Kiba brightens immediately as Hinata politely hides her smile behind her hand. " _Did you really_? The one on the mountain? Ambitious aren't we? C'mon give some deets! Paint, explosives, glitter? I hope it's glitter, I personally think my face looks amazing with sparkles, amiright Akamaru?"

His trusted ninken barks in approval, and that's all Kiba needs to keep going. It's not like he's going to get offended on **by** anything that happens to an abomination that should never have existed in the first place. Kiba is more than aware his dumb mug has no right to be in the same place like people like the Shodaime or the Yellow Flash. If he thought he'd get away with it, he'd vandalize his own statue himself gladly. As it is, he's too scared of the Disapproving Frown, but it's good to know the younger generation is ready to take up the torch.

Man, now he's talking like an old dude. Nostalgia is a terrible feeling.

"Pink paint, Hokage-sama," Iruka-sensei deadpans, unimpressed. "You're now the proud owner of two breasts under your eyes. Which is _bad_."

Little Shit perks up at the mention of her exploit, looking smug and proud as fuck. Iruka-sensei can emphasize the bad all he wants, Kiba is never ever lecturing this kid. People who are this close to crying actual tears of laughter can't lecture other people, it just doesn't work.

What? Of course he's laughing his ass off, what kind of frigid bastard wouldn't be? Anyway, he's got two boobs hanging of his face, he can't be held responsible for his actions, that'd be criminal.

Hinata clears her throat, and Kiba's hilarity dies in his throat. Right, gotta play it AHB. "And what do you have to say for yourself, young rascal?"

Little Shit blinks unapologetically. "I was making a feminist statement."

Alright okay. Kiba sends a side glance to his life-saving assistant, silently asking for help, because he sure can't deal with this crap. He's just going to give the kid a medal and a job in his personal guard or something.

Fortunately Hinata is here to Take Over in her incapacitated partner's stead. "Aiko-chan," she says softly. "Although we do approve of the message, vandalizing is a crime, and disrespectful of Hokage-sama. There are other ways to express your discontentment that doesn't involve breaking the law. I can address you to several feminist associations if you wish."

Little Shit finally set her bold stare down, rightfully awed by Hinata's gentle and reasonable scolding. No one, _no one_ , can escape the Disapproving Frown unscathed. It just doesn't happen, Kiba would know, after so many years being subjected to it. The kid has plenty of potential, but she's not quite there yet.

"I would appreciate that, Hyuuga-sama," Little Shit mumbles to her feet.

"And the punishment?" Iruka-sensei asks Hinata, having lost whatever hope he had for Kiba acting like a Sensible Grown Up.

Except punishments aren't exactly outside of Kiba's area of expertise, with his thorough experience and all, so he smiles wildly. "Cleaning your mess and two weeks of detention!"

So, competent Hokage boss or what? Hinata sends him discreet thumbs up, and Iruka looks like he really want to hit his palm on his forehead but can't because someone's got to stay dignified in front of suggestible children. Although Kiba is pretty sure Little Shit is less suggestible than himself, to be honest.

"You still have to apologize, Aiko-chan," Iruka-sensei tells his student sternly.

"Okay," she surprisingly agrees easely before turning towards Kiba. "I'm sorry I painted boobs on your face. You're kind of cool, and less of a macho arshole than I thought. Next time I'll redirect my misplaced anger on the Nidaime."

"There won't be a next time," her teacher hisses as he grabs her hand. "Say goodbye, we're going now."

Akamaru waggles his tail when they bow and finally exit the Hokage's office (Kiba doesn't have an office, that's quite absurd). It's just as well because Kiba was two seconds away from asking to adopt her.

"I tried, Hinata," Kiba says his assistant not very sincerely. "I really did."

"I know you did," she lies dutifully as she squeezes his shoulder comfortingly.

Assistant is such a funny word. It implies Kiba is the one doing most of the work while Hinata merely softens the edges, when in reality, this circus still runs because of Hinata's steady efficiency. Kiba mostly...waves behind his desk. She claims it's all nonsense and that Kiba has a unique talent at diplomatic relation and public image. He sure does if drinking beers with the Raikage, sympathizing with the Mizukage's miseries in love and admiring Gaara's cacti counts as 'diplomatic relations', which any half-way functional human being could do.

After six months of dubious Hokage-ing, he still has no idea what the fuck he's doing here.

"Monkey!" Kiba shouts out of the blue as he rampages through the upper drawer of The Desk.

"Hai, Hokage-sama," the ANBU flickers in front of The Desk, ready for action.

Kiba threw at him his photographer, grinning wildly. "Go take me some pictures of my face before this piece of art disappears forever, would you?"

What's good about masks is that Kiba doesn't have to acknowledge the existence of the contempt no doubt growing on his interlocutor's face. "On it, Hokage-sama," he nods before jumping by the window, on his way to take pictures of Kiba's facial boobs.

Being Hokage does have its good points after all.

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VII. Hinata (Sasuke)

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In the mind of a younger Hinata, the world was painted only into shades of conflict. Conflict between countries, between villages, between neighbours. Conflict between civilian and shinobi, between Hokage and Daimyo, between clans. Conflict between main and branches, between cousins, between parents, between siblings.

Hinata _hated_ conflict. She kept trying to calm tempers, to soothe wounds of the soul, to mend the fractured distance between hearts, without success. But how are you supposed to heal the rotten bitterness of a grown up when they only see the gap between the person they want you to be and the person you are?

Yet, Hinata persevered in her desperate attempts to solve the world's resentment. How could she give up, with her Naruto-kun enduring so much for his dream. She persevered so hard, in fact, that she somehow ended up at the place of the biggest mediator in the village.

The Hokage. Her. The failure of her clan, the disappointing daughter, the useless kunoichi, who spent her entire childhood under the threat of losing her title of heir. Leading the village, as the strongest of their own. This is simply preposterous. Hinata isn't the strongest _anything_. She's not worthy. She's not even _able_. She was only considered for the post because she stole Neji's dream of uniting the Hyuuga and by some miracle managed to make it a reality. That certainly doesn't make her any more qualified for the job.

Yet here Hinata is, sitting shyly on the spot she can't help but think is Naruto-kun's, drowning under the red of her robes like she had under her heiress kimono. She has no other choice but to keep going, because what else can she do?

At least the role of a mediator and a lecturer isn't that far from her area of comfort.

"Hanabi-chan, Konohamaru-kun," she puts her head on her hands. "Would you care to explain how and why Sasuke-san's office got flooded?"

Hinata has spend a lot of time perfecting her Disappointed Frown, as Kiba nicknamed her lecturing face. Under her insistent stare, Konohamaru falters like a plant without sunlight, shriveling up on his seat. On his side, Hanabi doesn't as much as flinch. As the incarnation of her clans motto of coolness, she'll need more to be fazed than her older sister's half-hearted attempts at intimidation.

"Water damage?" Hinata's sister shrugs with carefully crafted indifference. "It happens."

"Oh yes, it does," she cocks her head to the side. "Admittedly not very often with _honey_ , though. Have you ever heard of honey damage, Sasuke-san?"

Sasuke's answering scowl sends a shiver of rightful fear along Konohamaru's spine. Far from impressed, Hanabi retaliates with an equally murderous glare, 'better than you' Hyuuga style. A subtlety of her inheritance that Hinata never managed to learn, while her sister quickly distinguished herself with her mastery of the Hyuuga's range of aggressive stances, among other things.

"Actually, it's maple syrup..." Konohamaru can't help himself from correcting her, but backpedals quickly when confronted to the combo of Sasuke's and Hanabi's respective spikes of murder intent. "Just saying."

Despite the apparent gravity of the situation, Hinata is getting vivid reminiscences of Naruto-kun's childhood full of unapologetic pranks and sheepish grins. It's turning out really hard not to smile at the duo.

"Well, if you don't know anything about this curious phenomenon," she eventually muses out loud with staged concern. "I'll have to open an investigation on the case. We can't have the _extremely important documents_ Sasuke-san works on lost to spontaneous indoor syrup raining, can we? Maybe Ebisu-san..."

The mention of his stern former teacher is enough incentive to get the chuunin to spill the bill. "Okay fine, don't bring Ebisu-sensei into this!" Konohamaru confesses, ignoring the finger his partner-in-crime pokes viciously between his ribs. "It's my fault, alright? I drew the seal on his ceiling."

Hinata has to resist the urge to gasp theatrically. Too much proximity with Kiba has been enough to awake the dramatic core she didn't knew she had.

"Don't take all the credit for yourself, Monkey," Hanabi scoffs proudly. "You wouldn't have reached his office if not for my superior infiltration skills."

" _Excuse you_ ," Konohamaru turns his nose up with sincere indignation. "I'll have you know..."

No one will get to know what he meant to say as they both thankfully shut up when Hinata clears her throat.

Well. She can only blame herself for the situation. After all, she was perfectly aware Sasuke's appointment as her assistant would raise dissatisfaction when she chose him, because how could it not. Assuming the role of assistant of the Hokage means to have access to major records, to influence Konoha's politics, to be in close quarters with the village's leader, both physically and mentally. It makes sense only the most trusted and irreprochable shinobi can take on such a sensitive post, which Sasuke is very much...not.

Hinata is sympathetic to Sasuke's plight, she really is and not only because of Naruto's love and absolute faith in the Uchiha. The village has, as a matter of fact, done wrong to his family and himself, regardless of the dire circumstances. Hinata can't affirm she wouldn't have lost her mind in the same situation. That being said, she almost lost precious people trying to get back Sasuke and save him from his own foolishness. She has forgiven, but not forgotten.

She wouldn't have considered hiring the man if her childhood crush hadn't thrown his teammate of dubious social standing at her, practically begging her to take him.

"Look, Hinata-chan, I need your help. Did I congratulate you for the Hokage thing?" Naruto-kun said. He had. Hinata would remember the utter weirdness of the moment forever.

"You know I love Sasuke? He's like a brother to me, and I'm incredibly happy to have him back yeah?" he said. Everyone knows that, including people who didn't grow up stalking Naruto-kun.

"But he's driving me running up the walls. With his reputation, it's hard to find stuff to do, ya know?" he said. Hinata was no expert, however she would venture unemployment comes with the traitor background.

"He needs something constructive to do, ya know? Something public and respectable, so that people understand he's not so bad." He said. Except Sasuke-san _was_ kind of bad. She couldn't find the strength within herself to say so to Naruto-kun's eagerly expectant face.

"He'd be a good assistant I swear! Don't be afraid to overwork him, he just broods if he gets free time anyway!" he said pleadingly.

If Hinata knew how to say no, she wouldn't be sitting there in the first place. It's a birth defect no one ever managed to beat out of her. Not her father, not Neji, not her sensei, and certainly not herself. To be fair, she hadn't planned to actually _keep_ him as her assistant. Only for a little time, to show Sasuke could be trusted. Except he turned out brutally efficient to whatever task she threw at him. So efficient in fact, Hinata couldn't honestly fire him as he quickly made himself an indispensable part of her government. Once Sasuke sets his mind on a mission, he never stops until it's done, dead and buried, ruthlessly and relentlessly. Hinata can't really afford to spit on a employee like that, who understands instinctively the inner working of politics and statecraft and acts like he doesn't know what a rest day is.

No one had been more astonished than herself when Hinata realized she actually _liked_ working with the sullen he has a drastically opposite view on life and how Konoha needs to be run, they have enough respect for each other to balance their differences and make it work. Theirs is a strange professional relationship, one Hinata doesn't quite wish to let go. Also, Sasuke makes _amazing_ tea, a sure way to get in her good graces and stay there.

Like she had, the staff at the tower progressively learnt to accept the presence of an alleged traitor at their Hokage's side, and by extension the rest of Konoha followed.

The rest of Konoha, _minus Hanabi_.

If her choice for an assistant had been generally disapproved upon of, Hanabi had taken the news particularly badly. To quote her 'just because your crush is still convinced sun shines out his ass regardless of common sense doesn't mean you have to hire a treacherous son of a bitch, big sis.' She then started an illegal campaign of eviction when Hinata refused to fire Sasuke. A long list of pranks, assaults and traps ensued against her assistant, the last of which apparently involved lots and _lots_ of maple syrup. Hinata is kind of impressed by her sister's most recent stunt. It combines creativity, ingenuity, advanced sealing and is technically harmless.

On top of that, Hanabi managed to enlist her 'rival' in her crusade against evil. It's kind of a big deal as Konohamaru takes pranking seriously but avoids any action that might hurt his big brother like the plague.

(Also, it's kind of funny, she has to admit to herself.)

"Hyuuga Hanabi," Hinata's eyes narrow on her target, who has the good sense to display some remorse for her actions. "Sarutobi Konohamaru. You endangered the precious work of your comrades and disrespected your superiors. In other times, this could have warranted your death. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Onee-sama!" Hanabi cries out as her partner keeps his eyes firmly set on his knees shamefully. Hinata has to harden her heart at the sight of her sister's genuine distress. "This...this garbage isn't worth _licking your boots_!"

'That's enough!" she snaps, surprised at her own anger. "Sasuke-san is one of our own and I trust him with my life. More importantly, I trust him with yours, and those of everyone in the village. You'll cease this childish tantrum this instant."

At her right side, she catches a glimpse of Sasuke's raw astonishment before the flash of emotion gets smothered under his usual blank mask. Since his return, the Uchiha has been ignored, insulted, humiliated, if not outright attacked. Always when Naruto wasn't in the vicinity naturally. As far Hinata knows, he never retaliated, aside from strict self-defense. He probably doesn't expect anyone aside from his former team to take his side, ever.

"You will apologize to Sasuke-san," Hinata adds firmly to the two miscreants.

"Sorry Sasuke-san," Konohamaru chirps immediately, and as far as Hinata can tell, relatively sincerely.

Hanabi bites the inside of her cheeks stubbornly, before relenting to her sister and Hokage's merciless glare. "Yeah, fine, I'm sorry too," she grumbles to her feet.

"Very good," Hinata allows herself a break from the uncomfortable gravity. "Sasuke-san?"

He meets her polite smile questiongly, quickly understanding what she wants from him and replying with a rising eyebrow. 'Hell no' it says. 'Hell _yes_ ' her own wiggling eyebrow insists.

"I accept your apologies," he concedes with an unhappy grunt, without looking at anyone.

Hinata beams approvingly at everyone and regrets the lack of cookies to hand over for good behavior. Rewards are indispensable tools for the child learning process, and adults, Hinata has come to understand during her tenure as Hokage, are nothing more than bigger children.

"I expect Sasuke-san's office to be _pristine_ for by tonight," she turns back toward her youthful truants.

"Hai, Hokage-sama," they both agree with varying degrees of enthusiasm.

"So that you understand the value of what you ruined for your own amusement, you will assist Sasuke-san in his duties for a month, free of charge."

"Hai, Hokage-sama," Konohamaru hids his wince well while Hanabi goes " _what."_

The corners of Sasuke's mouth droop down. 'Why are you doing this to me,' his sulking scowl asks silently. Hinata answers with a patronizing pat on his arm.

"You may go now," she tells the younger shinobi. They waste no time seeing themselves out, even if Hanabi's sour face promises later retribution.

"Why would you do that?" he positions himself in front of her desk, crossing his arms around his chest. "I don't need brats undermining me from the inside."

Konohamaru certainly won't do anything to displease the Hokage further, or worse, _Naruto_. Regarding Hanabi… she's headstrong and stubborn, but she's not stupid. By witnessing for herself how Sasuke hard works for Hinata, she'll quickly come to the realization sabotaging him means sabotaging her sister.

And Hinata has faith her brooding assistant will manage to rally the two chuunin to his cause. Strangely enough, Sasuke has a certain talent to turn people who can't stand him into reluctant allies. A unconscious ability he likely got from Naruto through osmosis.

"They won't undermine you," Hinata promises appeasingly. "I suppose nothing of actual value was...syruped?"

"Of course not," Sasuke's black eye twitches at her terrible pun. "I don't keep those in the open."

"Once again, your paranoia proves itself justified," she smiles behind her hand.

"It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you," the quote escapes his mouth before he can stop himself. Hinata wagers it comes straight from Kakashi-sensei's life lessons.

"...Hinata," Sasuke tries, hesitantly. The Uchiha can't be bothered to use titles in private. It's another of his redeeming qualities.

"Yes?" she blinks up curiously.

He visibly deflates under his persona of patented indifference. "...Nevermind. I'm going to supervise the brats."

"Alright," Hinata is left slightly bemused as Sasuke disappears through the doors.

Some days she feels like she finally got the man figured it out. And then he does some odd things like these and she's thrown right back at the beginning.

Uchihas are plain _weird_.

.  
.

VIII. Sasuke (Sakura)

.

Somewhere buried deep within the bitterness, the anger, the need for revenge, there is a child with petty streak a mile wide. A child whose main objective in life used to be to one-up his brother out of sheer envy and who refused to die with the rest of his clan despite Sasuke's best efforts. A child who sometimes speaks up when least expected, only to proclaim utter nonsense like "I'm going to be the next Hokage."

It doesn't matter that Sasuke has no wish whatsoever to be Hokage in the first place. It doesn't matter that he _hates_ the very village he just put an claim on. What matters is that becoming Hokage is Naruto's thing, so of course the child _has_ to at least try to steal his hat from him because he's reliably petty like that. Pissing on the territory of people he (reluctantly) respects is his awkward way of expressing his admiration. Sasuke can't even blame trauma for this flaw of character, as he has always acted like this as far as he remembers.

His reckless bravado shouldn't have consequences anyway, since there was no doubt in Sasuke's mind Naruto _was_ going to be Hokage, and no one with half a brain would accept a traitor as their leader in the first place. Therefore riling up Naruto for old time sake and to indulge the child giggling viciously at his best friend's expression of indignation shouldn't have led to any actual job offer.

Expect Naruto decided out of the blue he had no wish for the hat after all, that ramen had been his true calling the whole time but it was all okay 'cause "Sasuke wants to be Hokage, soooo..." Turns out a traitor _can_ become Hokage regardless of basic common sense as long as a war hero gives him his ringing endorsement and stamp of approval.

Sasuke can't understand how these people think for the life or him. He's not sure he wants to, to be honest.

And so after making grand declarations in public, Sasuke can't simply backpedal and throw back the hat at them. His cursed pride simply won't allow the disgrace of going back on his word and refusing the prized position his clan has always aimed for.

So that's basically how Sasuke found himself Hokage of a village he actively attempted to raze to the ground not a year ago, to everyone except Naruto's bemusement.

"There Hokage-sama," Sakura chirps with a deceptively sweet smile as she lets an enormous stack of paper fall soundly on Sasuke's desk."You need to sign those before lunch."

Even Sakura makes no sense whatsover anymore. For someone who tried so hard to bring him back to the fold, she sure doesn't seem very happy for his return and rehabilitation into normal society. Some might even says she _loathes_ the very sight of him, despite her previous claims of eternal love.

Pff. Women.

He eyes the upper form on the stack skeptically. "Are school trip allowances for next year so urgent?"

" _Yes,"_ she utters between gritted teeth, abandoning the fake cheer altogether. "Quite urgent, actually. Needs to be done this instant, I'm afraid. A task to measure Hokage-sama's competency."

Hn. Definitely unhappy, then. "Something you wants to say Sakura?" Sasuke blinks neutrally at the medic-nin as he puts his hands on his lap.

"Oh, you're the a fan of open communication now, Hokage-sama? How things change," sarcasm practically drips out of Sakura's pursed lips. "But now you mention it, there is something I would like to state. Mostly how glad I am to fill out your paperwork and organize your schedule when I could be doing meaningless things instead, like, let's say, _save people's lives_."

She finishes her diatribe with a shark-like grin. "Thank god you're here to save me from such a life of idleness."

She makes a very good point. Sakura is an outstanding medic, even though he isn't sure how such a thing happened. Sasuke won't deny he's quite self-centered, but not so much not to notice she's clearly wasted as an assistant.

Unfortunately it's not like he has a better choice. For very good reasons, the last Uchiha doesn't have anyone willing to give him a chance aside from the remnants of the team he tore apart. Kakashi hates him but plays pretend for the sake of his favorite student, Naruto is busy with his civilian life, and Sakura? Well, Sakura was supposed to stay on _Sasuke's side_ , not outgrow him when he wasn't looking.

"I am...aware your competences could be better employed," he slowly tries.

"Oh, _are you_? That's very thoughtful of you, Hokage-sama," she cocks her hip mockingly.

It's not only that Sasuke couldn't think of anyone else unlikely to attempt to sabotage him or outright stab him in the back when they asked who he wished to appoint as assistant. Sakura studied under Tsunade's guidance, she knows how the office runs, unlike himself who frankly has no clue. Sasuke's area of expertise lies in blind destruction, not mindful statecraft. To say he's out of his comfort zone would be a massive understatement.

The truth is, Sasuke _needs_ Sakura's help. He'd rather stab his own kidney than admit he can't go on without the cooperation of the girl he spent a good chunk of his life despising, but that's the sad new reality he has to live in. A reality where Uchiha Sasuke has to scheme to get Haruno Sakura to help him put his life back in order.

What the fuck even happened to him. Oh yeah, that's right, _Naruto_ happened.

"I have no intention to keep you away from your duties forever," he tries carefully. The situation requires delicacy, a quality Sasuke is not exactly known for. "But for the moment, I... I need..."

Sakura leans forwards, her eyes wide in disbelief, as if she can't believe the alternative reality she found herself in either. Her mouth parts as she waits for Sasuke to string his words together to form an understandable sentence.

Except Sasuke can't say it. He just can't. His reluctance isn't even related to Sakura herself, only to his inability to recognize out loud he needs _anyone_. His agony is such he's almost happy for the welcome distraction of a direct attack.

The ceiling cracks open, and an unknown shinobi falls through, a long sword aiming for Sasuke's neck. His eyes flash red thanks to battle-hardened instincts, and he sees plain as day at least three potential courses of action he can take to get away.

He doesn't bat an eyelash. Sakura does.

With a grunt, she throws herself herself at their enemy, pushing him against the wall and away from Sasuke with the force of a hundred men. Sasuke watches dispassionately from his desk as his former teammate and current assistant casually knocks the shinobi out. Eh. Looks like he isn't dying today after all.

(His family will have to wait a little longer.)

His ANBU guards flicker inside the room after the action.

"What the fuck were you doing?" the pink-haired hellion growls to the black operatives while they move to gather the attacker, assure themselves of the Hokage's safety and secure the zone.

"Our apologies, Hokage-sama, Haruno-san," Dolphin tries carefully. "This man seems to have unknown genjutsu abilities, we didn't..."

"A Hundred Clouds Of Lies," Sasuke states as he stares at his would-be murderer. "It's a bloodline limit from Oto. You'll need to cover his mouth, it's sound-based."

A survivor from the Kimie family, out to get Sasuke for murdering their benefactor and god, probably. Their voice allows them to enthrall their target to a certain point. He had a very good chance of offing Sasuke, if not for Sakura's presence. Too bad he hadn't planned for an unknown party protecting their Hokage.

(Too bad he failed.)

"Take him away to T&I and look out for accomplices," Sasuke flicks his wrist dismissively. "We'll discuss the incident later."

If Sasuke is not going to die in the near future, he still has paperwork to fill, because that's how sad his life now is.

His musing are interrupted by Sakura's violent smash on his desk. "What the fuck was that?" she hisses between gritted teeth as he glances up at her furious expression.

He blinks. "An attack from an foreign shinobi. You're familiar with the concept I suppose."

Hokage or not, Sasuke is still a little shit with no self-preservation instincts.

"I know that, arsehole," better than Hokage-sama, he thinks privately. "What I mean is why you didn't do a thing about it."

Ah. That. "I don't know what you're talking about," he avoids her insistent glare.

"Sasuke. I'm aware you have no respect whatsoever for your health but I didn't realize you were outright _suicidal_ ," she utters darkly.

That's preposterous. Sasuke is not suicidal. Suicide is a disgrace he can't afford, as the last member of his clan. Uchihas don't kill themselves, they die proudly on the battlefield. It's too bad there seems to be a shortage of battlefield for Hokages to perish nobly on lately. So Sasuke waits and endures, and he's certainly not _suicidal_ , or depressed or whatever psychiatric bullshit Sakura will no doubt make an effort to pull on him.

(He's just passively courting Death. There is a difference.)

"Don't be ridiculous," he snaps right back at her before changing the subject. "You can warn the hospital for your return. I'll find someone else less overqualified."

It's going to be a pain, but Sasuke is used to his life being a pain anyway. Anything to get Sakura off his back once she decides poor Sasuke-kun needs _help_. He would rather have her loathing than her pity. Anything but that.

"Oh no you won't," her eyes narrow meanly. "I give you a week before you lose your shit without me."

Yeah, _so what_.

"Naruto and I didn't work our arse off all those years so you can die on us without facing your mistakes like the damn coward you are."

She keeps going, grabbing Sasuke by the collar and pulling him close. He hates the fascination festering in his belly in reaction to her intensity. "You don't get to die yet, Sasuke," Sakura adds, sounding almost fond in her cruelty. "You just _don't_. What you get to do is keep on living until you fix your shit, one way or another."

There is something magnetic in the unwavering anger purring under her skin. Sasuke has to fight himself from activating his Sharingan to keep a vivid memory of the moment _forever_.

"You're not pulling that crap on Naruto again, you hear me?" She flattens Sasuke's collar in a rough parody of caretaking affection, after she lets him fall back on his chair. "If I have to watch over your ungrateful arse every second of every fucking day, that's exactly what I am going to do, and you get nothing to say about it."

Sasuke is the Hokage. The strongest shinobi village and Sakura's boss. She can't just order him around like one of her rebellious patients.

That's what he means to say instead of the reluctantly awed "Hn" he utters instead.

"Now finish your fucking paperwork." She pats his head with barely hidden contempt before marching out of his office.

Sasuke petulantly finishes his fucking paperwork.

.

.

IX. Naruto (Ramen)

.

"You know," Sakura-chan muses out loud as she pokes at her second bowl of ramen. "Things _do_ advance much faster when people are scared of you."

Behind the counter, Naruto hums in vague approval, mostly because he tries not to disagree with Sakura-chan if he can avoid it. She was terrifying enough _before_ she became Hokage, and her fear-inducing power only expanded since. He's just a clueless ramen cook, no one can expect him to contradict the Hokage, right?

"Like, they make me lose so much time _arguing_ and _complaining_ and _whining_ about shit I honestly don't care about, 'cause I do have a village to run, yeah?" Sakura-chan's voice grows louder as she keeps going, getting all worked up now she has the occasion to speak of the lump weighting her chest.

"There, there, Sakura-chan," he pats her head like he would a feral tiger he's on friendly acquaintance with, ignoring the startled whispers of his other customers. His precious teammates get priority on his books, always. Especially teammates who can crush your business with their pinkie. "Have a cookie, okay?"

"Chocolate?" she perks up, eyeing the pastry box hopefully. A pastry box that frankly has nothing to do in a ramen shop, but after many trials and tribulation. Naruto has quickly come to the conclusion he needed something to appease his warmongering friend. Preferably before she bites his head off for forcing her to step up in his stead.

"Of course!" he hands over the cookie without further ado. "Only the best for our hard-working Hokage!"

Sakura grabs the chocolate pastry gingerly. "Speaking of. Maybe you should take over now. I think I'm turning into a tyrant, with Ino dragging me down on the path of evil."

Oh, _hell no_. No way, not happening, not even to please Sakura-chan.

"And I'm sure you'll make a very competent dictator, Sakura-chan!" Naruto gives her the thumbs up brightly, meaning every word.

Sakura visibly deflates as she bites into her cookie viciously.

.

.

"This can't possibly be food," Ino's nose scrunches as she stares at the bowl Naruto has put in front of her. "Where are the vegetables? Where is the nutritional value?"

"Look Ino, you may be Hokage," Naruto scowls sternly. "But no one, _no one_ insults ramen in my presence."

"Or what?" Ino leans forwards on her elbows, a dangerous glint lurking beneath those pupiless eyes of hers.

The thing is, Naruto and Ino are comrades, like, he'd definitely die for her, but they're not exactly _friends_. They have Sakura, Shikamaru and Chouji in common, a shared trauma due to the very nature of their job (former job, in Naruto's case) and blond hair with blue eyes, and that's kind of the end of it.

To be honest, Naruto doesn't know what she's doing here in the first place, especially if she's just going to spit on his cooking and life purpose.

"I'll tell Chouji," he watches her smug face crumble with inner satisfaction. Ino is not a bad person, but she needs to be taken down a peg or two every once in a while. Naruto is not unfamiliar with the concept. Sage knows himself used to be quite insufferable. Still is, according to Sakura but she doesn't mean it.

"You _wouldn't_ ," her eyes narrow threateningly. "I'm the Hokage, you can't just tattle on me to my assistant."

Naruto might not be that close to Ino personally, but the Team Ten dynamic isn't exactly foreign to him. He's keenly aware that while Ino couldn't care less about what people think of her, she soaks up Chouji's approval like a overeager sponge. Sakura says it's due to the fact Ino has dwelled dwelled enough in TI she doesn't trust her own conscience anymore and uses her notoriously kind friend as a moral compass. Naruto thinks she just likes Chouji a lot but whatever.

"I will if you leave me no other choice, Hokage-sama," Naruto shakes his head in fake regretfulness. "Mocking my ramen is such a low blow."

"Fine, whatever. You manipulative little shit," she tuts appreciatively. "See, you got everything you need to be..."

"Eat your ramen Hokage-sama," Naruto cuts in, before she can get further ideas.

Ino slurps on her ramen with barely hidden contempt. He wouldn't expect less of her.

.

.

Naruto waits anxiously as Chouji inspects his bowl with professional consideration, takes a sniff of the aroma, pokes at the steamed vegetables and eventually takes his first bite.

"Excellent," the Akimichi smiles approvingly after an excruciatingly long second.

Naruto visibly sags with relief behind his counter. "Oh man," he whines unabashedly. "You got me so worried!"

"No reason to be," Chouji hums around his mouthful of ramen with sincere appreciation. "To be perfectly honest, your meat might need a bit more work but the rest is flawless. I'm genuinely impressed."

That's it, Naruto is never coming down from the smug cloud, he's just not. _The_ Akimichi Chouji said he nailed his ramen, he can die a happy cook. They can write on his epitaph something like: 'the guy who cooked ramen Akamichi Chouji was impressed by'. It's his biggest achievement, hands down.

Chouji commands three more bowls, all treated with the same thorough appreciation. He slurps contentedly while Naruto chats about everything and nothing behind his counter. He doesn't mention once the fact Naruto should have been wearing his hat instead of playing around with noodles, because Chouji is a top-notch guy like that. He gets that becoming Hokage would have eaten Naruto alive.

"Thanks for the meal," he smiles serenely as he leaves a generous tip near his tower of finished bowls. "See you next week."

And he's coming _back_. Naruto can't think of a higher compliment. "See ya!"

.

.

"I hate you," the mumur raising from the lump of a Hokage spread on Naruto's counter is barely audible. "So. Much."

The frank profession of loathing coming from the mouth of a dear friend might hurt if Naruto hadn't heard a least a hundred variations on the same theme. Shikamaru blurts out confessions of eternal hatred just about every time he comes by Rasengan, which is at least once a week. Naruto is completely immune to it by now, especially with the outrageous tips the Nara often leaves.

He's more concerned about the enormous bug making its merry way across Shikamaru's scalp. There is no way in hell he hasn't felt it, but maybe he's too lazy to chase the thing away. Or it's one of Shino's, and he doesn't dare to disturb his bug buddy. Naruto still can't tell kikaichu from normal bugs and freaks out every time one of them buzzes in his shop. What if he killed an Aburame's buddy _on accident_?

"Eat your ramen," Naruto frowns at the untouched Special Naruto Ramen patiently waiting for some attention near the spiky ponytail. After seeing the bags sagging under Shikamaru's eyes, he felt the situation required nothing short of a Special Naruto Ramen, or two.

Tired brown eyes peek from behind crossed forearms. "You're the worst thing to ever happen to me," Shikamaru says solemnly. "You made me think I was safe and then _you backstabbed me._ With _responsibilities_."

Naruto doesn't remember kid Shikamaru being so dramatic. Being in Ino's team would do that to a person, he guesses. Although he has been on a team with Uchiha 'Emo Is The Only Path' Sasuke and he came out from the life experience just fine...more or less.

"First of all, Kakashi-sensei appointed you, you can't blame me for that. And seriously, you need to eat at least one bowl. You're too skinny."

"Not you too," the Nara grumbles as he pokes around his ramen unconvincingly. "My mom, Chouji, Shino...You're all equally troublesome."

"Just eat one, I don't want to get in trouble with all those people," Naruto shudders with sincere fright. Shino can be _terrifying_ when he feels like it. "Also, you've got a bug on your forehead. Just so you know."

"Leave it," the Hokage sighs like a man who lost all hope. "At least Buggie doesn't nag me about food or paperwork, unlike you arseholes. He's my new best friend."

Shikamaru doesn't bite his hand when Naruto gives him a tentative pat on the head, so he mustn't be _that_ angry after all. He does smirk in dark satisfaction when the bug flies on Naruto's arm and he can't help shaking his limb frantically.

"You need to treat the Hokage's best friend better Naruto," he deadpans as Buggie lands back on his neck.

"Tell that to Chouji if you dare," he rolls his eyes.

"You truly are the worst thing to ever happen to me," Shikamaru blanches.

"I love you too deer," Naruto grins wildly at his own joke. He has learnt long ago a dude needs to enjoy his self-made lame jests because no one else would.

"If you loved me, you'd take back that damned h..."

"I don't love you that much, Shika," Naruto interjects soundly. He doesn't love _anyone_ that much.

Shikamaru sighs and crumbles back on the counter.

.

.

Naruto stops in front of his new customer, blinks theatrically, squints onwards, and finally caresses the goatee he doesn't have for maximum hilarious value. "Wait...I know you right?"

The atmosphere drops down a few degree and the buzzing under the Hokage's coat reaches frighteningly high levels. Naruto feels the urge to retreat quickly, he's committed to his pranks but not to the point he'd risk death-by-bugs. It's probably as unpleasant as it sounds.

"Just kidding, Shino," he puts his hands up appeasingly. "Let's keep the bugs in okay?"

To his everlasting relief, the buzzing slows down. "Hilarious," Shino deadpans.

"Sorry sorry," Naruto laughs nervously as he put his hand behind his neck sheepishly. "So, what can I get you, my dear Shino who I would definitely recognize in a stormy night from five hundreds meters?"

"Don't push it Naruto," the Hokage lets out a exasperated sigh. "I'll have a miso ramen, if you please, and two Naruto special, to take away."

"One miso soup, two Naruto Special on its way!" he cheers, falling back on the familiar pattern of cooking. "Two Naruto special uh? Hungry much?"

From what Naruto has gathered of his elusive former classmate, the Aburame has the appetite of a sick sparrow. Not like him to command so much food at once.

"Those are for Kiba," Shino explains as he pushes his hands back in his pockets. "He swears only by your shop."

"Aaah, got it!" he laughs good-naturedly. Kiba is one of his most faithful customers, it does make sense that his best friend ends up at Naruto's stand at some point.

Konoha's good folk whisper and bow randomly as they pass by their Hokage waiting for his delivery, looking awkward as fuck.

"Sooo," Naruto has the disastrous idea to try making small talk. "How's the... Hokage business going on?"

"Good enough," Shino answers eventually, before adding hopefully. "I don't suppose you want to..."

"MARVELOUS," he cuts in with a bright grin. "That's super-duper good news, here's your ramen, have a good day Hokage-sama!"

Shino's shoulders drop dejectedly as he accepts the bag. Naruto feels bad about it for about ten seconds.

"Nipples! _Nipples_ , Naruto!" Kiba laughs and laughs, like he has never heard anything funnier in his entire life. Naruto is honestly not blaming him, it's right into Kiba's kind of humor. "On my _face_!"

"Uh-huh," he grins back amusedly, remembering fondly the hilarious display on the Hokage Mountain. Too bad it hasn't stayed long, as a fellow professional prankster, Naruto can appreciate such a piece of art. Well, _former_ professional prankster, that it. Naruto is an upstanding citizen now. Honest. "Even had the areola. Good work. I took pictures!"

"Dude, me too!" Kiba gestures at his pocket wildly.

They take three well-spent minutes to compare their respective mementos of the event. Naruto quickly has to relent to Kiba's superior photographing skills, to his dismay, until he learns his friend didn't get to take his own facial breast pics.

"No way!" he gasps, genuinely disturbed.

"I know," Kiba moans over his fish ramen as Akamaru puts his enormous head on his partner's lap comfortingly. "Being Hokage _sucks_."

Now, that is a familiar conversation topic. Fortunately Naruto knows what to say, he has _flash cards_ for this kind of situation. "I mean yeah, sorta. But think of all the good you're doing!"

"That's what Hinata says too," the Inuzuka sighs, his hand rubbing under Akamaru's chin absent-mindedly. "C'mon man, you know I ain't doing any good. I'm just fumbling around in the dark."

"You're doing _fine_ ," Naruto insists, resisting the urge to roll his eyes.

"Yeah, that's what she said too," his brown eyes narrow with suspicion. "Are you two in cahoots, or something?"

'Cahoots'? Who says words like 'in cahoots' in those times and ages? The Hokage, apparently. "Yes we are," he flatly answers. "Hinata-chan and I are in a secret support group, it's called 'Let's boost Kiba's confidence'. Contact Shino if you wants to join, we meet every Tuesday. We even have tee-shirts."

Which is entirely true. Except they meet up every Monday and they sadly have no tee-shirts. They do have Hana among their rank, but as Kiba still sees his sister as his arch nemesis, Naruto doesn't think he's ready for that piece of information yet. It's too bad Akamaru can't join as well, he'd be their biggest asset, but his partner would definitely _know_.

Kiba snickers at Naruto's deadpan expression. "That's ridiculous. My confidence is doing fine, thankyouverymuch. I'm simply keenly aware of my limits, and AHB is outside of those limits."

Naruto sighs to himself and accepts the demoralizing fact the battle will not be won today. "Whatever. Nipples, you were saying?"

The Hokage brightens visibly.

.

.

Every once in a while, the Goddess of Ramen bestows Naruto's modest stand of her divine favors.

She comes down in flutter of violet and crimson, smelling like ink and lavender, a wise smile stretching her lips, and it's up to Naruto fulfill her ravenous appetite. Feeding her is the closest thing he gets to a religious experience, as he pours all his lifeforce into his offerings, watching with awed admiration as bowl after bowl disappears into that parallel dimension she calls a stomach. By the time the Goddess is done with him, Naruto usually ends up exhausted, humbled, emotionally and physically drained and a fair amount richer than before.

"Thank you for the meal," she says after the cadaver of her tenth bowl joined the pile of its predecessors. "It was excellent, as usual."

"Everything for my favorite customer," Naruto chirps as he swipes a drop of sweat from his temple.

"Flattering me again?" the Goddess, also known as Hyuuga Hinata, or incidentally as Hokage-sama giggles with a slight blush blossoming on her cheeks.

"Just sayin' it how I see it, Hinata-chan," he shrugs good-naturedly. "If I wanted to flatter you, I'd say something like, congratulations on that deal with Mist!"

Dumb as he is, Naruto doesn't get half of the implications that such a treaty means, but he has heard from reliable people (Sakura-chan) that it's quite advantageous for all parties, and generally an outstanding tour de force.

"I'm afraid you're mostly flattering Sasuke-san instead of me," Hinata gives him a little smile, adorably crooked at the edges. "This treaty is his baby."

"That's funny," Naruto chuckles as he puts the bowls inside his sink. "Sasuke-teme said the exact same thing about you."

And he had too. Sasuke would poke his own eyes out before admitting it, but he definitely has the hots for Hinata-chan's sheer efficiency. Naruto knows those things. The fact he's always grumbling on how Hinata would never mix up red with white at the laundry (it happened like, once. Naruto did a lot of growing up as a housedude since) or that Hinata would remember to buy the big batteries and not the small ones (they all look the same, okay!) admittedly are a bit of a hint too. If Sasuke is not happy he should just go live with Hinata, see how he likes it sharing a roof with the Fucking Brat and her cohort of all-seeing Hyuuga minions.

Anyway, the point is Sasuke got a huge nerd crush on his boss, and it's totally a thing even though he pretends they're just colleagues, nothing weird happening here. Yeah _right_. Regarding the whole business, Naruto is mostly torn between elation at Sasuke's fumblings as an Actual Human Being and disgust, because the thought of his Goddess of Ramen and the Bastard getting laid is simply _gross_. The Goddess of Ramen deserves better than a emotionally constipated arsehole. She got enough of those already with her clan.

"Oh, did he now," she says in the same unimpressed tone Sakura uses when shit is about to get down. "Strange. Last time I checked Sasuke-san wrote the whole agreement. I merely read what he told me to."

"Uh-huh, but that's Sasuke for you," Naruto nods eagerly. "He wants you to believe he's the most selfish twat on earth, all the while sneaking tomatoes on your plate when he thinks you're not looking."

True story. Sasuke-teme got _issues,_ okay. _Many_ issues.

Hinata's delighted laugh sounds like a cascade of bells and Naruto has to resist the urge to pat himself on the back in self-congratulations.

.  
.

Sasuke glares somewhere in Naruto's general direction. "..."

"What," Naruto flatly asks.

"..."

"Seriously, you've got to use your words, Bastard. I have many talents, but reading minds ain't one of them."

Naruto waits with out-of-his-world patience as his rival tries to string together a sentence that does not include insults or declarations of eternal hatred. It's a hard process but Sasuke is getting there, slowly, step by step.

"...what's going on with Sakura?" he eventually murmurs to his untouched bowl. It must just _kill_ him to ask for anything from the Dead Last.

"What do you mean, what's going on with Sakura-chan?" he repeats, slightly alarmed.

"She's...different," the Bastard adds, with wary bemusement.

"Well, of course," Naruto rolls his eyes. "You didn't expect Sakura-chan to stay twelve forever, did ya?"

Knowing how obtuse Sasuke can get about matters not involving revenge or tomatoes, he probably had.

"She's aggressive."

Well, duh. Where has this guy been during their childhood?

"It's _Sakura-chan_ " Naruto shrugs factually. "She used to hit me all the time, remember?"

Sasuke's rising eyebrow tells him Naruto deserved to be beaten around, unlike his royal self. What a arsehole. If a people ever deserved Sakura assaulting them, it's Uchihas.

"She's mean to me," he mumbles, so lowly he's barely audible.

"Oh Sasuke," Naruto laughs out loud. "That's just how Sakura-chan shows she cares. Welcome to my world."

.  
.

"My, young man," an old lady with a pinched mouth sits on one of his stools. "I'll have the miso pork if you don't mind..."

"Kakashi-sensei," Naruto cuts in the bullshit with half exasperation, half affection. "I know it's you. And no, I won't take your hat from you. Seriously, stop pushing."

"My cute little student is so mean to me," Kakashi-as-an-old-lady outright pouts. It's kind of creepy to watch the typical Hatake gesture without the mask to cover it. "He refuses to comply with his old, exhausted sensei's last wishes."

"You're not even thirty-five," the so called 'cute little student' deadpans, unimpressed by the whole dramatic display. "And you're not dying."

The Hokage, still under his henge, curls up on his seat with glowing despair.

"Kaka-sensei," Naruto squeezes his shoulder. "There are plenty of competent shinobi in this village. I'm sure you can find _someone_ , ya know."

"I suppose you're right." Kakashi brightens as he accepts Naruto's peace offering in the form of a steaming miso pork.

There we go. Problem solved.

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* * *

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AN: What I learnt from this monster of an OS: patience is hard, writing Sasuke without screwing up his character is harder.

Please leave a review on your way out!


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